Best man jokes for weddings in Sep-2012

Browse below for timely and topical material in ready-to-use best man speech form. A last minute addition to your script that connects a news story that has only just broken to a wedding day theme will show the audience just how razor sharp, witty and informed you are.

Displaying 20 topical best man speech jokes

  1. They say April Showers bring May Flowers, so I suppose (Bride)’s lovely bouquet is what we get in exchange for it pissing it down last month.

  2. A study has found that footballers should prepare themselves mentally to take penalties by clenching their left fist. Similarly, Rob has prepared to hear what I'm going to say about him by clenching his left and right buttocks.

  3. It’s the perfect moment for Emma & Nick to get married … just in time for their Grans and Granddads to splash out on a decent wedding present before the government cuts all their benefits.

  4. Henry told me he’s had a little upgrade in time for his wedding night. It’s longer now, and more powerful, but it still fits snugly in his hand … have you seen his new iPhone 5?

  5. Glasgow was named the most polluted place in Britain this week, but anyone who’s ever sat in a car with Phil on their way back from a curry with the lads knows that’s not always necessarily the case!

  6. We’ve got an amazing crowd today. Gillian & Simon’s wedding has been better attended than this year’s Liberal Party conference. In fact, according to the exit poll I took at the church, if there was an election tomorrow, they’d win!

  7. If you didn’t get the weather you’d hoped for today, count your blessings. At least the only floods we had to deal with were the floods of tears from the mums in the front row of pews.

  8. The Groom’s got a reputation for partying almost as hard as Prince Harry. The difference being that if he’d got carried away on his stag night, we didn’t have the option of chucking him off to Afghanistan until the heat died down!

  9. I’ve promised not to embarrass Jeremy with any of his past misbehaviour, so don’t worry mate, I won’t be mentioning the cross-dressing, the years of heroin abuse, or your bit part in The Innocence of Muslims.

  10. I originally thought of delivering my speech in a style to fit in with the recent 'International Speak Like A Pirate Day' but I just couldn't master the Somali language.

  11. It’s the perfect time for Laura & Archie to get married … just after he’s surfaced from the Olympics and before she loses him entirely to the football season!

  12. The remains of Richard III were found under a car park in Leicester this week. Fortunately Sharon's off the hook, though - she's only been out with two guys called Richard…..

  13. There’s a lot of strike action being threatened at the moment. But I hope that doesn’t give Mark and Helen any funny ideas about how to resolve problems in their marriage. Be under no illusions, you two. If you go on strike Helen, like the teachers, you’ll only spark months of painful legal discussions. And if you go on strike Mark, like the fire service, she’ll only get the army in.

  14. I love the happy couple’s rings, but it’s a shame they didn’t wait to buy them. There’s five massive ones hanging over this sports field in Stratford that are going for a song now the games are over!

  15. Well it’s been a long time coming! In fact, for the mums and dads in the room, the wait probably seemed endless, but at last we all got to see the match we’d been waiting for … first British Grand Slam since Fred Perry! Get in, Murray!

  16. New research suggests that the universe may be teeming with planets that can sustain life, although the nearest one is several light years from Earth. All of which will be good news for Grace in about 20 years’ time, when she decides she really needs to put some distance between herself and Nick!

  17. We’ve got a Health Secretary who believes in homeopathy now! I know it’s not really a weddingy subject for my speech, but I had to say it. That’s like the vicar who married Sandra & Gareth believing in free love!

  18. I asked Richard how he was feeling this morning. ‘Like the West Coast railway line,’ he replied. ‘Filled with a sense of purpose and direction?’ I asked. ‘No,’ said Richard ‘I mean I’m finally going to lose my Virginity.’

  19. In the week that the legendary astronaut Neil Armstrong was laid to rest, I’m reminded of his famous moon landing speech. Words that have resonance for Gary’s wedding today. After all, marriage may be ‘one small step for man’, but it’s a ‘giant leap’ for an emotionally retarded perpetual teenager like Gary!

  20. The pop singer Rihanna was chucked out of a posh London night club this week after her drunk revelling apparently spiralled out of control. What a shame she was two weeks too late for the Bride’s hen night. She could’ve added a much needed air of respectability to proceedings.