Best man jokes for weddings in Jan-2013

The annual bed race took place in Pattaya, Thailand this week. Hundreds of competitors raced along the beach in their beds, pushed by their teammates. It’s a shame (Groom) wasn’t there to compete really, as I’ve heard he’s incredibly quick in bed! It would’ve been nice to turn that to his advantage for once.

Did you know it was the official annual ‘Love Your Wife’ day in Japan this week? I don’t know about you but I think that’s a terrific idea! It takes the pressure off for the other 364 days, anyway.

Earlier this week, a Guatemalan woman woke to find a 40 foot sink hole had opened up under her bed, threatening to swallow her whole! Which gave me an idea … Start digging now, (Bride) and when you’re desperate to get rid of him in twenty years, all you’ll have to do is move the bed while he’s on his way back from the loo in the dark.

(Groom) laughed when I suggested a honeymoon is space, but with space travel getting cheaper and easier all the time, there might be a few kids in the room who could really consider it! Just this week, Iran announced that it had joined the space race- peacefully, of course - by sending a monkey into orbit and retrieving it alive and well on re-entry ... Now all they need to do is find a way of stuffing a nuclear payload up a monkey’s bum.

I wonder if heartthrob Justin Bieber will ever get married? He certainly has a lot to learn about romance, after he was filmed this week groping a fan’s chest. Understandable, perhaps, as every time he sings that awful ‘Baby’ song, he must already feel a right tit.

Daniel, I urge you to treat your wife in the same way that a Swansea City ballboy treats the ball. Keep her close, hang on to her and never let her go... even when it hurts.

It’s a great time to get away from the British weather for a honeymoon abroad, but with 1 in 4 Heathrow flights cancelled, we’d better keep our fingers crossed that the (Bride & Groom) will have a successful take-off. I mean, if you can’t get it up on your honeymoon, you’re really in trouble!

You might ask yourself how anyone could afford so lavish a wedding in times of austerity, but the Bride & Groom were very canny with their costs. I mean, you’d never have guessed that the buffet was 29% horse, would you? Every little helps.

If (Bride & Groom) are thinking of starting a family at some point, they’d better keep an eye on the government’s handling of the maternity care crisis. According to nursing professionals, the UK urgently needs another 5000 midwives to prevent pregnant mothers being turned away by overstretched maternity units. Unfortunately, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt’s austerity plan to hand out really big corks hasn’t gone down well with the ‘mumsnet’ crowd.

America’s pro-gun lobby held a series of Gun Appreciation Day events over last weekend, at which five people were accidentally shot! I really don’t understand why Americans are so keen to keep guns around the house. Surely anyone who’s been married for more than about five years knows it’s a bad idea, right?

I’m not saying (Groom)’s bachelor lifestyle was all that unhealthy, but it definitely had long term effects. He lived off Tesco value burgers for ten years and now every time a car backfires he breaks into a gallop. You have to calm him down with a sugarlump.

McFly singer Tom Fletcher gave his wedding speech a twist last week by singing it! I suggested to (Groom) that he do something similar, but the only songs he knows are football chants, and ‘who’s the bastard in the black’ never goes down well with vicars.

[If it’s snowing]
(Bride) is a woman who’s used to getting what she wants. She ordered a white wedding, and even got matching weather!

I’m not going to go on for too long. I don’t want to wreck things with my prattling. Nothing would spoil a wedding more … unless (Groom) came out of the wedding suite bathroom wearing a onesie.

One marriage that looks likely to continue is the union between England and Scotland, with support for the SNL’s independence agenda waning among the population north of the border. I for one am fairly happy about that. Scotland hasn’t been a bad bride. I mean, yes, she did have that fling with the French a few centuries ago, and the men in her family are all cross dressers, but she’s great to have on your side in a fight, and bloody easy to get pissed, which goes a long way in my book.

It’s wonderful to have a wedding so soon after the revelry of the holidays. Not least if you’re footing the bar bill. With a bit of luck, no one’s going to want to get too hammered again this close to the New Year hangover.

Romantically speaking, not a great week for Jordan, who had her engagement ring repossessed over an unpaid bill. For those of you who haven’t seen it, it’s big and pink and impossibly vulgar … and it wasn’t at all happy about losing its ring!

After Pamela Anderson’s flash on this week’s Dancing on Ice, I feel I should remind the ladies to beware of wardrobe malfunctions on the dance floor later. And (Bride), you need to beware of wardrobe malfunctions before you go near anything from Ikea that (Groom)’s assembled. He’s no Handy Andy, that’s all I’m saying.

We’re known to be a country of cynics – never happy with the state of our government, economy or national football manager. Well I say that a day such as this one is the perfect way to cast aside all such cynicism, and revel in positivity. Although as Mark’s picked the music for later that’s hard to do.