Best man jokes for weddings in Apr-2012

I hope that Linda is getting used to now being called Mrs Linda Jones because I read an article this week about how a number of brides these days are reluctant to take the groom's surname. I know this certainly caused a bit of a stir at the recent wedding of my mate Dave Hitler.

Judith & Antony are so lucky. I reckon the chances of finding your soul mate in this world are roughly the same as a Liberal MP’s hopes of re-election.

A lot of you here probably think Melanie could’ve done better … and you’re probably right. In fact, a BBC Science study recently showed great apes using sophisticated engineering principles in their nest building, so to be honest, all she really needed to do was head for the Congo with a big bunch of bananas and she’d’ve been on a winner for sure.

The British government is seeking poets of every nation as part of its cultural Olympic celebrations. Naturally, I immediately put myself forward and submitted this piece of work:
The Groom’s been my mate
Through good times and great
But now that he’s married
The sheep look less worried.
It’s not an exact rhyme, but it comes from the heart.

Queen’s Greatest Hits were named the best-selling British album of the last fifty years, this week. Whenever I think of Queen, I think of Tim. Because when I’m feeling Under Pressure and I Want to Break Free, I know that You’re My Best Friend; there to remind me that The Show Must Go On even when I feel I’m Going Slightly Mad. It’s a Kind of Magic, that sort of friendship, and I’m delighted that you’ve finally put all those Fat Bottomed Girls behind you and found Somebody to Love.

The timing of this wedding is perfect. Because believe me, once the government starts monitoring our e-mail, it’s all over for Gary. Enjoy the time you’ve got together, Janice.

A recent study has revealed that 66% of people in Britain are addicted to puzzles -  which means that two-thirds of you must be trying to work out what on earth Linda sees in Paul.

I wonder if the happy couple considered joining the Titanic Memorial Cruise for their honeymoon. 100 years after the ill-fated Titanic set out, the MS Balmoral left Southampton on a voyage that will see it retrace the original ship’s maiden voyage. Up to a point … hopefully … 

You may have heard that trespassers reached the top of the Shard – Britain’s tallest building - in London this week. Luckily, Peter’s stags had a change of heart. It really would’ve been a bit much to leave him chained up naked at a thousand feet.

I was pleased to read that, thanks to the efforts of celebrity chefs like Heston Blumenthal, fondue sets are becoming popular again. So maybe 10 of those wedding gifts will get used after all.

The bride almost didn’t get here today. It wasn’t a last minute nerves thing. It’s just that with the petrol stations dry, it took ages to find a wedding car that could run on recycled cooking oil.

After the cost of today’s proceedings no doubt Brenda’s Dad (note: or people who paid for the wedding – don’t get it wrong) will be pleased to hear that the economy’s finally on the up. In fact, yesterday the Bank of England’s net gain went up 15% over lunchtime, after the Governor nipped out for a sarnie and bought a scratch card at the newsagent that paid out four quid!

I wanted to get a special gift for Lindsay and Graham. I asked my Mum for some pointers and she said ‘think wildly expensive and completely pointless’. So, tickets for the Tate’s Damien Hurst retrospective it is.

Take it from me. Steve might get you into a spot of trouble every now and then. He’s just one of those people. But if Osama Bin Laden’s wives only got 45 days in prison, rest assured there’s nothing Steve’s likely to do that’ll get you more than … oooh … six months?