If you are asked to thank people for coming

I am sure that I speak for Paul and Linda in thanking you all for coming today, and helping them to eat and drink through £10,000 worth of their hard earned money, condemning their early years of marriage to hardship, destitution and debt.

I'd like to thank everyone on behalf of the bride and groom for sharing their wedding day. Particularly both sets of parents for making this day possible, biologically and financially. Also a special thanks to those of you who have travelled a long distance to be here. Personally, I wish that you'd all stayed at home, as this would be a lot easier on me. But I am testament myself to the lengths a man will go to for a free meal … and Paul’s redundant porn collection.