Browse below for timely and topical material in ready-to-use best man speech form. A last minute addition to your script that connects a news story that has only just broken to a wedding day theme will show the audience just how razor sharp, witty and informed you are.
Displaying 9 of 362 topical best man speech lines
20-May-2013
I think it's fair to say that (Groom) is a man's man, much more interested in sport than Eurovision, in fact, until last weekend he thought that Bonnie Tyler was a happy roofer from Scotland.
And so, today, we say goodbye to (Groom's) bachelorhood, which like HMS Ark Royal had seen better days and was struggling to relive past glories, thankfully for (Groom) though he's now happily married rather than being broken up in a Turkish scrap yard.
So (Groom) is getting married as Rod Stewart is once again number 1 in the album chart, I guess, in answer to the question "Do you think I'm sexy?", (Bride) has unbelievably said "Yes". Let's hope that their marriage is plain "Sailing" and they are happy for a long "Time".
I'm not saying that (Groom) is a bit of a geek but he arranged the wedding for after the release of the new Star Trek film and he describes his marriage to (Bride) as "boldly going where no man has gone before".
And here we are again, one week after Wigan make footballing history by defeating Premier League giants Manchester City in the FA Cup, another no-hoper does astonishingly well.
(For a wedding on Saturday May 11th) As there's another big event on today – the FA Cup Final – I think it's important to remember just how much marriage is like playing football. It requires skill, determination and patience but rewards you with joy and excitement. Plus a dirty tackle is guaranteed to get you sent off for an early bath.
In these times of austerity it's important to budget correctly for a wedding although to (Groom), a "triple dip recession" is when you run out of guacamole, salsa and hummus.
(For a wedding close to May 1st) When (Groom) talked to me about his plans for the wedding and mentioned "May Day", at first I thought he was calling out for help.
(January) "I’m not saying (Groom)’s bachelor lifestyle was all that unhealthy, but it definitely had long term effects. He lived off Tesco value burgers for ten years and now every time a car backfires he breaks into a gallop. You have to calm him down with a sugarlump."
(December) "The government has delayed its controversial Data Bill over concerns that it allowed authorities unlimited access to information about our e-mail, browsing habits and on-line purchases. All of which means that (Groom) smashed up three old laptops with a hammer for absolutely no good reason at all."
(November) "A dream has come true for Ryan today – the best kind of dream. But of course, there are dreams that don’t come true - and sometimes that’s for the best. Ryan’s childhood dream, for example, was to go on Jim’ll Fix It and meet Gary Glitter. Could’ve ended badly."
(October) "It’s traditional to read a few words from absent friends and family. So, here are the messages from people who couldn’t make it because of illness, prior engagement, or because they were using iOS Maps to find the venue …"
(September) "The Groom’s got a reputation for partying almost as hard as Prince Harry. The difference being that if he’d got carried away on his stag night, we didn’t have the option of chucking him off to Afghanistan until the heat died down!"
(July) "A huge thankyou to the people who funded today’s extravaganza. It takes a banker’s bonus to arrange a do like this. And Sally and Steven didn’t have the advantage of being able to conspire with their mates to fix the price of champagne and flowers."
(June) "The groom has done very well to get through today because he has recently been mourning the loss of a man who had a massive impact on him, a man who he regarded as a true hero, a man who made his passage through life so much easier. I am speaking, of course, about the passing of Eugene Polley, the inventor of the TV remote control."
(May) "So who exactly is this bloke? And what on Earth has he done to deserve such a coveted position? There must be hundreds of better men in the country. Blimey, I think I could do a better job! … Sorry. I can’t stop thinking about the FA’s choice of England Manager. Who did you think I was talking about?"
(April) "Judith & Antony are so lucky. I reckon the chances of finding your soul mate in this world are roughly the same as a Liberal MP’s hopes of re-election."
(March) "Remember this day, folks. You may never see a wedding like this one again … not now that they’ve banned multi-buys on supermarket booze."
(February) "If paying for the honeymoon is proving to be a struggle, you could always take advantage of the UK / US extradition treaty. As Kent businessman Christopher Tappin learnt this week, all you have to do is look a bit suspicious and they’ll whisk you off for a thirty year break in the Texas sunshine."
(January) "On the day of this happy union, I can’t help thinking of another long-standing partnership; one that suddenly seems to be under threat. If the SNP’s referendum plans go ahead, England and Scotland could well go their separate ways in the near future … which would make it the only divorce in history where the richer partner made all of their maintenance payments while the couple was still together."
(December) "I first met groom back in the 1980s, when unemployment was high, public servants were striking and Bruce Forsyth was the King of Saturday nights … What goes around comes around."
(November) "With the entire Qantas fleet grounded due to an industrial dispute, it's a good thing that Katie and Shane weren't planning a honeymoon in Australia. Apparently it was up for discussion as a destination, but Katie made it quite clear that as far as she was concerned, once they were married he could forget about her going down under."
(October) "Thanks to the credit crunch, it's actually a great time to plan a honeymoon. You can get some amazing deals to Greece, for example. Two weeks with full board and flights for 200 quid! You do have to take your own taramasalata and hoummous though. They're in a double-dip recession."
(October) "I know it's hard to believe, but Brian and Karen weren’t the only ones planning a wedding this week. Sir Paul McCartney has married again to wealthy heiress Nancy Shevell. So at least this time there can be no accusations of gold-digging. As for his last wife, well … I bet he regrets ever going down on one knee … or whatever her name was."
(September) "Of course, I'm happy for Beverly and Shane but for my own part I'm looking forward to a few more years of the single life. If I wanted a long harsh sentence, I could've just tweeted “Smash Netto” while it was kicking off in Tottenham."
(August) "When you’re planning for the years ahead, take a lesson from the London riots. Don’t allow deep-seated problems to fester until they explode in your face. Foster a sense of mutual responsibility from day one. And Susan if he still kicks off, withdraw his “benefits”."
(August) "Remember, Nathan, it’s ‘for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse’. It might help if you think of your marriage as the EU. She’s Greece, you’re Germany. So just sign the cheques and smile about it, or she’ll take you down with her."
(July) "It's been a year of massive revelations and events, but none bigger for anyone in this room than today's wedding. So, Emily & Ben, may your marriage be as liberating as The Arab Spring and as long-lasting as the News of The World phone hacking scandal."
(July) "There’s a lot of strike action being threatened at the moment. But I hope that doesn’t give Mark and Helen any funny ideas about how to resolve problems in their marriage. Be under no illusions, you two. If you go on strike Helen, like the teachers, you’ll only spark months of painful legal discussions. And if you go on strike Mark, like the fire service, she’ll only get the army in."
(June) "Sometimes it can be hard for a newlywed to accept the new family that comes as part and parcel of getting married. So in case the groom has any worries, I'd like to remind him that he's done well all things considered. It's not like he's got Ryan Giggs for a brother-in-law."
(May) "On this happy day, let’s spare a thought for the ordinary people of Libya, who are trying to shake themselves free of a tyrannical dictator who has dominated and scrutinised their lives for decades. I’m sure, Jason, that you can barely imagine such a situation. Give it 30 years …"
(May) "It looks like the age of super-injunctions and gagging orders may be coming to an end. So a narrow escape for Shaun, who filed his with the high court two weeks before I started writing my best man’s speech."
(May) "While they were courting Scott pursued Rachel with the same tenacity and passion that American Special Forces spent on their search for Osama Bin Laden. In fact, if anything he did a better job. After all, it didn’t take him an entire decade to snare her … and when he finally got her in a corner, at least he had the decency to talk to her first before letting one off (in her face)."
(April) "Building the perfect marriage is like building a Libyan democracy. If you obey her laws, put pictures of her up all over the place, and make a massive fuss on anniversary days, it’s easy enough to keep the tyrant happy."
(April) "Marriage is a bit like a coalition government with two sometimes very different voices clambering to be heard. At times, the relationship may become strained. But at least these two won’t have to worry about Vince Cable squatting in the corner of their honeymoon suite, bleating on and on about what a terrible mistake it was to get into bed with each other in the first place."
