Best man jokes for weddings in Nov-2011

Janet and Stephen are stuck to each other like Marmite and the M1 … and you can scrape away at that stuff indefinitely; there’s always enough left for one more slice of toast. I think I may have overstretched that metaphor …

It’s fair to say that Jacqueline & Roger’s was something of a whirlwind romance. From start to finish, their courtship was about as long lasting as an Egyptian democracy.

There was a touching if tragic story in the news this week about an elderly widow who died after fighting off muggers who tried to steal a bag containing the ashes of her late husband. Now, sad as it is, I hope you can take something away from this tale, Lorraine. Remember, it’s ‘til death do us part’; after that he’s on his own. Don’t be a hero.

Donna & Nicholas had wanted to return to their favourite hotel in Thailand for their honeymoon. But unfortunately Gary Glitter’s travel ban ended this week and he’d booked the whole place out for his all-Thai touring production of Bugsy Malone.

As the Press Standards Enquiry continues to put the boot into the tabloids: a word of warning to the groom. Yes - stricter press controls concerning privacy are bound to result from the committee’s findings, but that doesn’t give you the right to go back to all that naked horseback riding business. You’re a married man now.

I’m so glad that today’s marriage happened. To be perfectly honest I thought things were looking a bit wobbly earlier this week when I caught Graham writing a Get Well Soon card to George Michael, and signing it ‘from all the guys at the Stockton Heath Town Centre gents’.

Now that Clare & Edward are married they can look forward to sharing other important life stages together. Perhaps they’ll travel. Then later they may have kids. They might climb the ladder at work, or possibly build a business. There’ll be retirement to look forward to, and maybe grandchildren. And then one day in the autumn of their years, who knows, they may even make it onto the property ladder!

If you’re watching the X Factor it’s been an interesting couple of weeks, with fan favourite Frankie chucked out and replaced by a former hopeful. Apparently Paige had a similar system worked out. Any misbehaviour by Adrian and she’d’ve put her exes to a public vote and moved one of them back into the house.

Have you heard about Islington’s experiment with a ‘self-regulated’ 20mph speed limit? I don’t know how they expect drivers to stick to it entirely of their own volition. Although for Angela’s sake, I wish Justin the very best of luck with his self-regulated 3 pint maximum at today’s reception. If anyone fancies a flutter on that one, the book’s open.

To be completely honest, I was a bit worried that Phil wouldn’t get here today. It wasn’t cold feet, or an epic stag do that I thought might scupper things, it’s just that they released Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 a few days ago and even I don’t think he’s been to bed since. You’d better be prepared to pull out all the tricks, Sarah if you want to seal the deal before Christmas.

It’s ‘Movember’ again - the annual charity drive that encourages men to grow a moustache for a good cause - and apparently James was keen to take part. In the end Danielle talked him out of it by pointing out that it’s customary to sleep together on one’s wedding night. A pretty persuasive argument!

Well, here we are! 2011’s going to go down as one of those years, isn’t it? I’m sure we’ll all remember where we were when we first heard the news ... Chesney Hawkes is doing Dancing on Ice! Magic! Oh, and Chloe and Mathew have got married.

If you think Paula and Gareth are an odd couple, consider the bizarre meeting of Her Majesty the Queen and artist Tracey Emin this week. Apparently they got on quite well! A loopy, booze-addled Londoner with bad teeth and wee on her sheets ... and a Turner Prize-winning artist. Would’ve thought it, eh?

Jack has made such an impression on Lindsay’s family that it’s hard to believe he could ever fall out of favour with them. I mean, he’d have to do something really awful like burn down a children’s home or kill a vicar or – heaven forbid – swing a cat!

A team of Russian astronauts emerged this week from the isolation pod where they've spent the last 520 days in an experiment designed to recreate the psychological stresses of long-distance space travel. I bet Karen and Andrew can hardly imagine what it's like to be trapped in a stifling, airless prison with no contact with the outside world and nothing to look forward to but the same menial routine day after day after day … But give 'em 30 years.

Sorry if the speeches drag on. Wedding receptions can be a bit like an X Factor results show. You just want to skip through the talky bits to find out who's going to get wasted.

The world population hit a record high this week. It makes you think, doesn't it, Liz? I mean, with 3.5 billion men in the world was Toby really the best you could do?

There's an amazing deal on Greek honeymoons at the moment. For £500 all-in you get … erm … Greece.

Sir Jimmy Savile died this week, which is very sad of course, but especially so for Simon who somehow never cottoned on the fact that Jim'll Fix It had been cancelled, and has been waiting excitedly since 1982 to find out if he'll get to go rollerbooting with Showaddywaddy.