Best man jokes for weddings in Dec-2011

A government commission is pushing for a change in the law concerning assisted suicide. Consider that, Cathy & Todd as you embark upon your life together. Look into your new spouse’s eyes and ask yourself ‘is this the person I want to hold a pillow over my face in the hospice?’ If the answer’s yes, you’ve definitely made the right choice today.

Russell Brand is divorcing his wife Katy Perry after a typically brief showbiz marriage. Apparently, they split up over when to have children, so here’s a tip, Maria & Ashley, the correct time to have children is – at the very least - when you can discuss the subject without having to get a divorce afterwards!

If you’re thinking of honeymooning in Europe, now’s the time. Thanks to the currency crisis, you can get a hotel room in Paris for eight AA batteries a night. For a packet of Andrex Quilted they’ll upgrade you to a suite. Just make sure you get the train back before the French brick up the tunnel.

Scientists in Switzerland are on the brink of revealing the substance that glues the universe together. But Julia & Craig know what that is already. It’s not the Higgs-Boson, it’s Love. And it didn’t take a billion-dollar loop of superconductors to get these two to collide … just a stuffed-crust pizza and two bottles of Lambrini.

There’s something special about a church wedding, but most of us here have to admit that we rarely set foot inside a church these days. In fact, according to a recent survey just 10% of the population are practising Christians … and yet this week David Cameron stated that Britain is a Christian country. Now, the latest ICM poll shows that only 10% of Britons are confident about the prospects of economic recovery. So either that’s a coincidence, or Jesus has told Dave something we don’t know.

Retailers are worried about a chilly period putting a dampener on Christmas, but Lisa and Malcolm needn’t worry about that sort of thing. Not for six years or so, at least … four maybe, if they have kids.

The storms in the north this week left 1000s of home owners entirely powerless … I’d get used to that feeling if I were you, Kyle … you’re married now.

Let’s be honest, it was a pretty long engagement ... When I found out Donna & Carl had actually set a date it was a bit like finding out Lindsay Lohan had done a shoot for Playboy. It was a pleasant surprise, but I hadn’t given it any serious thought for years …

Natalie & Sean have always been a liberal and progressive couple. And while their habits can sometimes seem shocking to more traditional types, you’ve got to admit that Ryan Air’s recent decision to charge £100 for bag check-in completely vindicates their nudist camp honeymoon plans.

Jeremy’s always been very creative in the kitchen. Just this week, in honour of the X-Factor final, he created a special pie that combines a pig with three different kinds of bird … He calls it the Little Mix.

Richard’s a massive cricket fan and this week in particular I wish I paid more attention to the sport myself. I mean, when Richard told me he’d do anything to get to Chittagong, I honestly thought I was helping by force feeding him a box of laxatives and his granddad’s war medals. How was I to know he was talking about the Pakistan-Bangladesh test match?

If the happy couples’ parents are smarting from the cost of today’s proceedings, some words of comfort ... It’s been revealed that the MOD recently spent over a billion pounds on an armoured vehicle project that failed to deliver a single tank! Well, let me reassure you, Mums and Dads, that tonight, for only a tiny fraction of that expense, I will be getting well and truly tanked up! That’s money well spent, in my book.

I first met groom back in the 1980s, when unemployment was high, public servants were striking and Bruce Forsyth was the King of Saturday nights … What goes around comes around.

If you’re honeymooning in the Eurozone, be sure to take plenty of batteries, cigarettes, tights and chewing gum. You’ll need them to barter with after the currency goes to pot in about three days’ time.

Movember – the annual event where men grow hilarious comedy moustaches for charity – is over for another year … though nobody seems to have told (Guest With Moustache).

The Science community is hoping to approve the naming of two newly discovered elements this week. The front runners are Flevorium and Livermorium, but there’s still time, people. Save your X Factor call money this week and vote for Sharon-ium and Gary-ium before the count closes. What a way to commemorate the wedding!