Best man jokes for weddings in Nov-2012

According to a survey, the majority of young Britons would like the monarchy to skip Charles and go straight to William. But it’s not their choice is it? I mean, 90% of Jenny’s relatives preferred her ex, but you get what you’re given.

I know Sophie & John are looking forward to an exciting honeymoon of huddling together through the long, explosive nights … but even I’m beginning to regret the three nights I’ve booked for them in Gaza.

The Australian collar bomber, who tried to blackmail a wealthy couple by attaching a fake explosive ring to their daughter’s neck, was jailed for 13 years this week. And yet Richard puts a ring on Gillian’s finger and he gets life! Some sentencing imbalance there, if you ask, me.

A team of primate researchers have established that great apes experience mid-life crisis! So sorry, Emma, you can expect some combination of inadvisable haircut, inappropriate clothing and unaffordable sports car in about ten years. Just be ready for it.

It's Thanksgiving this week in North America, which made me think how much Stewart and Julia have to be grateful for. Each is like a gift for the other; the only difference is that if they decide they're not happy, they can't take each other back to John Lewis for a refund.

So the lads went off to enjoy themselves and despite some thrills early on and lots of fun along the way, they flagged towards the end, lost it completely and ended the day worse for wear, sharing the inevitable curry before bed. But enough about England's first test in Ahmedabad, let's talk about Stewart's stag weekend….

A Brighton man has revealed that he paid for his wedding using the thousands of pounds he has won from quiz machines. In a similar vein, Dave paid for the tie he's wearing today using the two 20 pence pieces he found in a phone box on the stag night.

I should tell you that many aspects of this happy occasion have been inspired by Pippa Middleton's book 'Celebrate'. In fact, the organiser's copy is actually a collector's item: it was the only one in the entire country that wasn't being sold at a discount.

In a way, the jubilation of today’s wedding reminds me of the recent re-election of Barack Obama. Although I hope Sophie will give Mark more than four years.

This week a burglar broke into the Tower of London, sneaked past the Beefeaters and made off with the keys. Back to today, though, and Jennifer will be relieved to hear that Dave's crown jewels are safe and where they're meant to be…

They say that every cloud has a silver lining, and for Sophie the recent Jimmy Savile scandal has been a blessing. For one thing, she no longer has to put up with Mark’s rubbish impressions of the bloke, and for another she’s convinced him to give up cigars. And Mark has taken things even further, categorically stating he will never run a marathon or give to charity again.

They say that a wedding is a sapling that grows into a mighty tree called marriage. Well, let’s just hope that Mark didn’t contract any nasty diseases while over in Denmark recently.

Sophie told me earlier that, in Mark, she’s landed her very own bedside James Bond. Note that she didn’t say Daniel Craig. I can only presume that the qualities she sees in her new husband are Roger Moore’s creaky campness, George Lazenby’s inability to muster a repeat performance and the general disappointment of Timothy Dalton.