Best man jokes for weddings in Aug-2011

The British athletic team may be on their way to Olympic glory in 2012 after Mo Farah this week became the first Briton ever to win gold in the 5,000 metres at World Championship level. You know, Nicolas once hoped to represent his country in London next year, until it was pointed out to him that sinking a pint in under four seconds isn’t an actual Olympic discipline.

This week, researchers proved that modern humans once interbred with Neanderthal man. So, for any members of Hazel’s family who criticized this union; don't worry – it's nothing new.

The UK has built the world's most accurate atomic clock. Unfortunately for Lee there isn't a wristwatch version yet, so if she tells you to be home by a certain time, just play it safe and give yourself an extra ten minutes.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've been waiting all year for the party that'll see us all through til Christmas, and at last it's here … then along come bloody Rachel and Matt and book a reception that clashes with The X-Factor!

Of course, I'm happy for Beverly and Shane but for my own part I'm looking forward to a few more years of the single life. If I wanted a long harsh sentence, I could've just tweeted “Smash Netto” while it was kicking off in Tottenham.

The bride and groom would like to thank everyone for their incredible generosity on the wedding present front. I mean, it’s not exactly what was on the list, but wow; I’ve never seen so many trainers, ipods, hoodies and mobile phones. Has there been a sale on somewhere that I missed?

People said they were an odd couple. They said it would never work. But they said that about J-Lo and Marc-Anthony, and … sorry, bad example. They said that about Ike and Tina – no … They said that about Amy Winehouse and Blake … erm … LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE BRIDE AND GROOM!

When you’re planning for the years ahead, take a lesson from the London riots. Don’t allow deep-seated problems to fester until they explode in your face. Foster a sense of mutual responsibility from day one. And Susan if he still kicks off, withdraw his “benefits”.

Thanks to everyone who gave JD Sports vouchers as a wedding present, but the bride and groom say that after last weekend’s Tottenham trolley-dash, they’ve got all the trainers they could ever need.

There was a terrible accident on the Thames this week, when a tugboat capsized, killing the captain of the vessel. Not many people know this, but the groom nearly met a similar fate, when he ran into trouble with a tug a while back. Fortunately, he was able to spit the orange out of his mouth and loosen the noose before he lost consciousness, but it was a close call!

We had an amazing stag night, although things did get a little out of hand. At least I’m told they did. I don’t think I’m really going to know what went on in Tottenham last Saturday until I get the photos developed!

Remember, Nathan, it’s ‘for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse’. It might help if you think of your marriage as the EU. She’s Greece, you’re Germany. So just sign the cheques and smile about it, or she’ll take you down with her.

Heartfelt thanks to the parents of the bride, who splashed out so much on today’s celebrations that Standard & Poor downgraded their Triple-A credit rating!

It's been a year of massive revelations and events, but none bigger for anyone in this room than today's wedding. So, Emily & Ben, may your marriage be as liberating as The Arab Spring and as long-lasting as the News of The World phone hacking scandal.