Best man jokes for weddings in May-2012

I wanted to write a topical joke for today's speech, but every time I looked at a newspaper I saw the same depressing three-word headline: YOUNG VICTIMS MOURNED. Norway, Qatar, Italy, Syria ... YOUNG VICTIMS MOURNED. I mean, I'm a bachelor, so obviously that pretty much nails my attitude to marriage but it's hardly appropriate for a best man's speech, is it?!?

Talent shows are back in the news, with Simon Cowell arguing with the Beeb about whose format is best … but with their big day coming up, all that made me think about was Hannah & Stephen! After all, they’re certainly a couple with the X Factor. And now they’ve come together to move in One Direction and live the life they’ve always Wanted. I’m sure everything will work out wonderfully provided Stephen remembers that there are no more Girls Aloud … God knows, if you do forget that, you’d better make sure you make your Will Young!

Well, it’s been a long time coming, but here it is! It’s the match we’ve all been waiting for … Chelsea V Bayern Munich for the Champions League!

If you’re honeymooning in Greece, don’t forget to take plenty of the local currency. That’s firewood and red cross ration packs. Or it will be soon, anyway!

The first commercial space flight has taken off for the International Space station this week. I first I thought what a shame it was that this didn’t happen a little earlier. Maybe Kay & Stuart could have honeymooned in space! Then I realised that if they want to experience that kind of airless claustrophobia all they really have to do is stay married for ten years!

As the marriage of Claire & Adrian begins, there’s one thing we can be pretty sure of. It’ll last longer than the marriage between the conservatives and the lib dems! Then again, there’s a fair chance that this speech will, too.

The bride and groom have asked me to express their gratitude for all of your lovely wedding gifts, and especially the Debenhams’ vouchers which as of yesterday morning overtook the euro on the global currency market.

In the news this week, a dangerous individual was apprehended before he could board a plane whilst wearing potentially lethal underpants. But somehow we managed to get Carl home from his stag do in Ibiza…

There's been an amazing full moon over the last few nights - it's 15,000 miles closer to the earth at this time of year, which makes it look all the more impressive and majestic. Gentlemen, if you're interested in how something can look 14% bigger than it really is, visit my new website at www.maxmanhood.com…

Nobody can be surprised to find themselves here today. For years now, the names of Fiona and Mathew have been more closely linked than Romeo and Juliet, Brad and Angelina, or Cameron and Murdoch.

So who exactly is this bloke? And what on Earth has he done to deserve such a coveted position? There must be hundreds of better men in the country. Blimey, I think I could do a better job! … Sorry. I can’t stop thinking about the FA’s choice of England Manager. Who did you think I was talking about?

An ex-policeman was charged with stabbing his hairdresser wife in her salon this week. It’s a tragedy of course, but let’s hope that Louise & Kyle can learn something from it. I’m not sure what … maybe don’t row around scissors.

I'm afraid I have some shocking news about the groom. It seems that just a couple of days before the wedding, he chose a tall, striking blonde behind his fiancés back. He voted for Boris Johnson on Thursday….

After yet another difficult economic week, it is at last possible to report one small sign that the austerity years may be ending. As a gift for arranging his stag night the Groom bought me a tin of Quality Cul-de-Sac.