Best man jokes for weddings in Jul-2011

I read this week that the more generous 1950s style of bikini has come back in fashion after twenty years of g-strings domination. Couple that with your new married status, Sarah, and you've got every reason to really let your arse go! Nobody would blame you.

With China's disposable income growing and their middles classes hankering more and more after Western delicacies like champagne and smoked salmon, we should be doubly grateful for today's magnificent spread. If Lance and Emma had put things off for another year or two, we’d have had to make do with pork scratchings and Iron Brew.

A pod of whales was stranded on a Scottish beach this week, which had Phil worried for a minute. He thought all his exes were ganging up to stop the wedding.

Of all the warnings that David Cameron had over his spin doctor and former News of The World exec Andy Coulson, it seems the one he should have listened to was from his wife, Sam. Let this be a lesson to you, Jeremy. If your wife says she can smell something, for God's sake change your shoes before you walk it into the carpet.

The news of today's wedding came as a delightful surprise to everyone ... Apart from the News of The World, who'd been tapping the groom's phone since 2006 on the off-chance that he might join the army, get caught up in a terrorist bombing, or have romantic relations with Jude Law. One down, two to go, eh Tony?

When Simon asked Sophie to marry him he was really thinking about the long term future. He'd read that by 2035 Britain will be gripped by nationwide drought, so he's counting on the fact that by that point, Sophie's bitter tears of disappointment should provide enough water for him to live on.

It's been the big romantic question for years now - will they - won't they ...? Well now, at last, we finally get an answer and of course it's a 'yes': Ron and Hermione do snog in the last Harry Potter film!

The bride and groom's relationship in many ways resembles the last days of the Gaddafi regime. Adrian was resistant to change and fought hard to maintain the status quo, but eventually the weight of public pressure became overwhelming and he decided it was probably time to surrender ... So here we are.

Does Justin love Helen? You might as well ask 'is the sky blue?', 'is the pope catholic?' or 'was The News of The World hacking cot monitors?'

Ashley and Cheryl Cole are back together - which just goes to show, a good marriage can overcome any hurdle, provided you're a multi-millionaire footballer, and her life has turned to crap overnight.

Royal newlyweds William and Kate are touring Canada at the moment and are expected to go whale watching later this week. If Hazel and Stuart are a little bit jealous on that front, don’t worry – you can recreate the honeymoon whale-watching experience from the comfort of your sunbeds. Here’s how it works; it’s 5 points for fat bloke, 10 for a massive woman in a bikini, and 15 for anyone wearing a kaftan.