Material for Single Best Men

(April 2018)

The best man speech is often seen as an opportunity for insulting a close friend without consequence, and while this is undoubtedly a major part of it, the barbs and jibes are by no means everything. Best Men can also throw in some wedding-appropriate material about themselves into a speech because it's important to let the audience know what your relationship is like with the newly-chastened Groom. For example, here are some fun little lines which express your single status while also referencing a sudden change in circumstances:

  1. "As the single friend of a newly-married couple, I hope our relationship won't change too much. We really do do everything together. The three of us go to the cinema, and we go drinking, we go furniture shopping, I imagine we're going on honeymoon, I hope we'll spend the wedding night together, we go to Yoga, we do Pilates, everything. EVERY-THING."

  1. "Dan and I used to have some wild nights out on the prowl, but that's all come to an end now that he's married Miranda. As a single man, I'll be left to myself, forced to fend off the advances of hordes of beautiful, young women day after day, night after night, and sometimes in the morning too. My god, I envy you Daniel."

If you're confident, this last line will come off well as it expresses the positive side of singledom, instantly endearing you to any other singletons in the room - heck, it may even be your way in, if that's what you're after. You should always follow a line like this with something kind and profound about married life, though, because this is a celebration of a union after all!

Another fun take on your single Best Man status could come from an implied arrangement with the Groom, as this piece of material demonstrates:

  1. "I was honoured and disappointed when David asked me to be his best man; honoured because he's a lifelong friend who I love and cherish, but disappointed because I thought we had a pact, man! We were the last two singletons in our friendship group. And if we hadn't found anyone by 35 (Do a finger in a hole motion). What? Oh come on I meant he was going to put a ring on my finger. Get your minds out of the gutter."

This could come off as a little crude, but the line at the end hopefully rescues you from assault by any concerned prudes in the audience. A silly little reference to an imaginary romance between you and a friend would work even better if you yourself are gay or bisexual, but if you're a straight man performing this bit be careful to avoid straying into homophobic territory. Two straight guys who are so desperate for company they make a love pact is funny, but such material can easily get out of hand if you fail to consider how your punchlines will be received.

Another potentially problematic source of material is the implied unwritten rule that states the Best Man must get off with the Chief Bridesmaid. There are certainly jokes to be made about this tradition combined with your single status, just tread lightly when you do so, and make yourself the butt of the joke:

  1. "I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone here, particularly the Bridesmaids, that I am in fact single. Yes indeed. And tradition dictates that being the Best Man, I should receive the honour of being the first to have a drink thrown at me by the Chief Bridesmaid after making what I thought was a very clever comment about her arse."

Mocking your own single status is the easiest and least troublesome way to include your personal situation in a wedding speech. However, if you're recently broken up, this may be quite painful to do. And if you do decide to mention it, nobody needs to know the truth about why you're single, just make something up that will raise both a laugh and your spirits:

  1. "Being Best Man is obviously a huge source of pride for me, but if truth be told, by coming here today I have had to let a girl down. Don't worry though, when I get back to the hotel I'll bust out the foot pump and the night is ours."

  1. "I'm here on my own today but don't feel sorry for me. It's just that I've not known my girlfriend long enough for her to be invited to the wedding. Just met her actually. We know so little about each other. I don't know her phone number, she doesn't know my last name. I don't know what she likes to drink, she doesn't know she's my girlfriend. There she is, over there preparing the coffee."

  1. "I feel like Noah's chosen me for his Best Man out of sympathy. He knows that my own girlfriend left me just last week, so he's hoping I'll meet someone tonight and stop pestering him to hang out. If there are any interested ladies out there, I must forewarn you about my OCD. When Kelly left me, I told her to shut the door five times on her way out."

If you're single and looking to mingle, there really is no better place to do so than a friend's wedding - just make sure you avoid sleeping with any members of his immediate family. By mentioning the fact that you're single you announce your availability to all and sundry, while also adding some important context to the speech itself. So if you are going to mention the absence of a girlfriend, try not to make anyone feel sorry for you; unless you're going to make them laugh two seconds later:

  1. "As soon as Paul asked me to be Best Man at his wedding I started having thoughts about why I've never settled down myself. And you know, it's not as if I haven't been trying. I really have. I'll date anyone. In fact, my last girlfriend was homeless. It was great. Shall we go back to your place? Oh look we're already there."

  1. "Some of you might have noticed I'm not with anyone today. But before you get any ideas you should know I do have a girlfriend. She's a stage-hand from a local theatre company. I just didn't want to risk bringing her to the wedding in case she made a scene."

  1. "This speech won't be too long today as I've got a hot date lined up after the ceremony. She's tall, thin and pasty with fiery red hair. I met her on match dot com."