If your brother asks you to be the best man at his wedding, it means two things. First, that he can't choose between his real friends. And second, that you now have the chance to right all the wrongs inflicted over the course of your childhood rivalry. A brother is capable of shedding light on a man like no other, but you must wield this power carefully, and remember that no matter how many wedgies, Chinese burns and wet willies your brother inflicted on you, this is his big day. So by all means make him squirm… just don't make anyone cry.
Here are a few suggestions to create a brother's best man speech that pulls no punches but doesn't dig too deep.
Giving a best man speech for your brother is undoubtedly a weird situation, and if the groom is sensitive to personal attacks, why not shake things up with a few weird and surreal lines about the task at hand? This speech offers a fantastic way to open up your introduction, and when you've established what's going on, why not throw in a few lines about the situation itself?
"I know Ian wouldn't ever say this to me, but I'm proud to call him my best friend. And because we're so close I've decided that my speech won't contain a single 'your mum' joke".
"Everyone always says that to keep nerves at bay during a speech you should picture the audience naked, but since most of you are family I'll stop at the underwear, if you don't mind".
"Craig, you have gained a loving, caring, affectionate and very intelligent wife, although the latter could be questioned after choosing to marry you. And Leanne you've gained a handsome, smart, and witty new brother-in-law, and a brilliant surname".
Don't keep it in the family
This is both great advice for brotherly best man anecdotes and dating in general….unless you're from Norfolk of course. Telling tales about growing up with the groom is an important part of any brother's best man speech, but make sure there are plenty of references to help non-family members figure out what's going on. It's also a good idea to mix in anecdotes others can relate to, such as high school stories, tales of a wild night out, and of course the stag do.
"Adam and I shared everything as kids. Toys, friends, a womb, a bed. You'll be glad to know that last one stopped before things got weird. Dad bought us separate beds as a gift for getting into Uni."
"I remember our family trip to Cornwall when I got stung by a jellyfish. Acting as the doting brother he is, Lee of course immediately took out his wanger and peed on my foot. 'Is that supposed to help the jellyfish sting' I asked him? His response… 'When were you stung by a jellyfish?'"
As a brother you'll be able to offer much more than mere anecdotes to illuminate the audience as to the groom's true character. You'll have seen him build up his personality, you'll know all of his flaws, and so who better to tear down the façade to show everyone what he's really like? Just make sure you keep things cute and fun rather than devastatingly accurate. Nobody likes a sobbing groom.
"I know Mark likes to play the big tough guy now, but I still remember him as that little kid who went to bed spooning a teddy bear and kissing him goodnight. So don't worry Michelle, the only person you'll ever catch Mark in bed with other than yourself is Mr Snuggles".
"I've always been envious of Jack's confidence, he is the epitome of a Jack the Lad character. Talking to girls - no problem. Charming the teachers - easy as pie. It's amazing how sure of himself Jack has become, especially since mum and dad constantly told us I was their favourite".
"Steve and I used to try and beat each other at everything when we were little. Fifa, basketball, spelling tests. We can't help but laugh at how competitive we were as kids… but I laugh more".
Don't forget the bride!
In the midst of a verbal assault on your sibling it can be easy to forget your duties, because despite your relationship your speech must come as a best man first and a brother second. Make sure you give equal billing to the bride in your speech, and remember to add in the necessary pleasantries about the bridesmaids and the parents too.
"Looking at how beautiful Becky is I don't think there's a brother in the land who wouldn't be jealous at what a catch Johnny has landed. Well, except maybe Ryan Giggs, but that's only because he'd have already had a go on her."
"I have an announcement. Karen is expecting a little one. At least I hope she is, otherwise her wedding night's going to involve a disappointing surprise".
But of course you don't want to make your speech so syrupy sweet you give the audience diabetes, so if you are going to compliment the bride why not make it come laced with a few more quips in your brother's direction, as this best man brother illustrates with perfection.