Summer Jokes For A Best Man

(June 2019)

June exists, there can be no doubt of that. But is it the June we know and love? We've not had a barbecue yet because the weather can't be predicted from one second to the next. However, what can be foreseen is the inevitable tide of piping hot news which comes our way each and every month. And in recent weeks, we've been wondering how to shoehorn these events into a wedding speech context.

For example, Liverpool and Chelsea both won in Europe, so if your stag do took place on foreign shores, there's an easy link you can play with. A new royal baby made an appearance, meaning there's one more over-privileged mouth for the public to feed. Donald Trump made a flying visit to the UK too, so why not imitate his diplomatic skills by telling Aunty June what you really think of that dress? And then there's that weird story about Radiohead being blackmailed for their demo tapes, only to respond by leaking the tapes themselves. You could use that excuse as the reason you sent all the bridesmaids those nude pics, if you were so inclined.

  1. "Katie's a beautiful girl and she's always had many suitors, but most weren't well suited at all. Before me, her dating life was a lot like the Tory leadership contest, with most of the candidates consisting of deluded rich blokes on drugs. In the end, she just went for a big fat Johnson."

  1. "I'm a little larger than I'd like for my daughter's wedding, but I blame the government for that. You see, they've pledged to make the UK fully carbon neutral… by 2050. In line with that, I've pledged to make myself bacon neutral by my first grandchild's 30th birthday."

  1. "On the stag do, all we were talking about was the TV show Chernobyl. Imagine having to live in that toxic atmosphere with all the backstabbing and gross incompetence that came with it. It'd be like Daniel's first marriage all over again."

All that guff aside, there are plenty of events taking place throughout June for you to reference too. The Women's World Cup is underway, with the USA having already beaten Thailand by a record score of 13-0. Father's Day lands on June 16th too, so don't forget to mention that one. The coming of June means it's time for Glastonbury once more. Oh, and for fans of venereal disease, Love Island has just started on ITV.

  1. "Ryan knows he's landed on his feet with Kelly. He's not the kind of guy to watch Love Island and wonder what he's missing out on. Those lot go to Majorca and come back with romance and 50 grand. Ryan came back with sunburn, a police caution and a weird rash on his inner thighs."

  1. "Today, June 20th, is the longest day of the year in the northern hemisphere. But in the southern hemisphere, it is the shortest. Perspective's a funny old thing, isn't it? Imogen will see that for herself on her wedding night, when Danny's 'long night of passion' lasts all of 10 seconds."

  1. "It is no coincidence that here, on Glastonbury weekend, I find myself sharing a tent with a bunch of doped up old fogies preaching about love and praising free spirits."

Do you think the news is too depressing to merit a mention in your wedding speech? We know how you feel. But fret not, anonymous reader, because we've dipped into our wedding speech builder vault and pulled out a handful of non-topical rib-ticklers for you to have on the house. Aren't we lovely?

  1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Horace. This is a picture of the pug dog I gave Bryan as a wedding gift. Despite the constant dribbling, the snoring, the rolls of fat and the weird smell, Horace seems to like him."

  1. "I admit I got a bit nervous this morning, and I realised I hadn't eaten. The only thing I could find for breakfast was a pack of Kinder Eggs, so I ate the lot of them. I know, right? I'm full of surprises."

  1. "When he asked me to be best man, John told me under no circumstances should I smuggle in any Phil Collins lyrics. He knows I'm obsessed, and he thought I couldn't manage such a simple instruction. Well, take a look at me now."

That's your lot for this month folks. We'll be back in July with another batch of news stories bashed into some sort of wedding-appropriate shape. In the meantime, don't forget to wear sunscreen, cook your sausages all the way through and avoid spending too much time in a room with Sir Philip Green.