Wedding Night Jokes For A Best Man Speech

(October 2018)

The aim of any good best man speech is trifold; make the audience laugh, drop a few insights, and have the groom squirming in his seat as if his underpants were full of maggots. One subject which serves all three is the wedding night, where the groom is expected to make sweet gentle love to his new bride despite his consumption of copious amounts of booze.

Raunchy wisecracks on such topics are almost expected in a best man speech, but some chaps seem to be tone deaf when it comes to writing risqué material, erring on the side of explicit vulgarity rather than a bit of gentle ribbing. To avoid this situation, try to focus on the exploration of character traits through a wedding night scenario, as the following jokes demonstrate:

  1. "Rick is a bit of a neat freak - I'm certain he has OCD - so I wasn't surprised this morning when I saw a selection of protective outfits in his travel case. Rubber mask, rubber shorts, rubber top, rubber gloves, he's gone all out."

  1. "I'm afraid that Rachel is bound to be disappointed tonight when they spend their first night together as man and wife. Not because Simon's rubbish in bed - he isn't, winky face - but as with everything, he's liable to turn up late. I guess that's not a problem for Rach though. She's always been 'self-motivated'. By the time Si arrives the wedding night could well be over!"

As best man, you're unlikely to have any first-hand experience of what the bride or groom are like in bed - and if you do, you should probably keep it to yourself! Instead, you should use lines like those we've just seen to imply what everyone thinks might happen when the happy couple bump uglies. Here are another few character-based lines at the expense of the groom:

  1. "I happen to know that Nigel has purchased a few extra naughty items for tonight's festivities. Not like him at all is it? He's usually a right tight git. But don't worry, Nige hasn't changed too much, as was demonstrated this morning when, having realised he'd only need one for the wedding night, he ate six pairs of edible undies for breakfast. Waste not want not!"

  1. "Funny thing is, Teri thought Neil was deaf the first time they made love. 'Come again?' he kept saying, 'come again?', over and over throughout the night. Turns out he wasn't hard of hearing at all, just incredibly optimistic."

The Bride is also ripe for mocking with regards to the wedding night, but you'll need to take an altogether different tone when it comes to her. Don't say anything insulting about her weight, looks, or other characteristics that she can't easily change. If possible, base the jokes on the Bride's positive attributes, and leave the Groom as the butt of the joke once more:

  1. "Knowing what Paula's like, I wouldn't be surprised if she'd planned the wedding night like a military operation. One minute thirty to get undressed. Eight minutes to shower. Five minutes to wipe the key areas. Ten for foreplay. Twenty minutes for rumpy pumpy and two minutes for a post coital cigarette. Much like today's ceremony, all Dan needs to do is turn up and look presentable."

  1. "Karen is a feisty woman, so I hope Gaz knows what he's let himself in for, especially when it comes to the wedding night. Any mistakes and she'll be on your case quick sharp. Gaz, you're laughing but I'm serious. Don't give this woman an inch. Give her both inches. It's a special occasion."

Another thing you can link to the wedding night is the bride or groom's favourite pastime. Perhaps they're a keep fit fanatic, or maybe they just like to cook in their spare time. Whatever the newlyweds get up to, it'll surely say something about how they like to get down to business.

  1. "The main reason Callum's getting married is so people will believe him when he says he's had sex. He's a classic comic book nerd. And I don't care what happens tonight, even if there's photographic evidence, eyewitnesses and a sworn testimony from Julie, in my eyes, Callum is, was and will forever remain a virgin."

  1. "Kerry is always complaining about Warren spending time on the PS4, but little did she realise that all along he was practicing for his wedding night. Now he's ready to push the right buttons, locate the hidden treasure, and beat it on hard mode. And Kez, if at any point you really like what he's doing but he complains he's getting tired, say what he says whenever he's on Fifa; please, just one more go."

Your Groom's profession is another easy source of material which you can relate to the wedding night, as almost every job, trade and industry requires a trait which would make for an excellent lover. A brickie would have strong hands, a gardener is good with a hose, and a salesman is good at flogging - one for the Fifty Shades crowd there:
  1. "As we've already said, Andy is a professional golfer, and this should bode well for the wedding night. Now I know what you're thinking, a joke about him overshooting the hole would be par for the course, but I'm classier than that. I just hope he's packed his woods. Bah, I'm sure he has. Just look at who he's married - he's clearly avoided the rough."

  1. "A quick word of advice to Anna before the wedding night. Will, as you know, is a landscape gardener. So if you see a trail of rose petals leading to your bed it means one of two things; it's either a romantic gesture, or he's putting in some overtime while you get yourself started."

  1. "Just remember Eric, you're not on call 24 / 7. Turn your firefighter's instincts off when you head up to the bedroom tonight. There's no need to grab a fire extinguisher if Claire says her loins are burning."

Finally, if there's absolutely nothing in the happy couple's characters or lives that you can use, then why not throw in some good old-fashioned wordplay and smut. You could hint at an orgy, make a saucy quip about the Groom's outfit, or stuff your speech with puns; anything to make the Groom squirm in his seat and the audience laugh at his expense.

  1. "There are two reasons for Harry to celebrate today. First, he's married the love of his life. Second, they've finally found a cure for his 'bedroom problem'. Both were a long time coming."

  1. "You'll notice Clive's not wearing any socks today. That's because Maureen got angry last time he left them on during sex, so he's gone without in case he forgets for the wedding night. You may or may not be interested to know that he's also going commando for the same reason."

  1. "And finally, you might expect me to make some kind of vulgar reference to the wedding night later tonight. Well no, I won't lower myself and the tone by cracking wise about such topics. What happens in that bedroom is the business of nobody but Pete, Hannah and myself."