Police

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s very important to me to admit in public that everything vital in life that I’ve learned in the last three years, I’ve learned from Paul. So touched am I by the impression he’s made on me that I think those lessons are too good to keep to ourselves, so today I thought I’d share them with everyone here. Thanks Paul, I know that life is much more enjoyable if you’re prepared to beat, coerce and lie to get what you want.

When Paul first asked me to be his best man I was elated. Then I thought about the burden of the wedding speech, but it was immediately lightened when I considered Paul’s occupation – he’s a policeman, so I should have something to go on. I started to list all the puns I could think of to do with the police. That was a while ago. As the dreaded moment has now arrived I have in front of me a list of puns. [pick up a very small piece of paper] I’ve got them written on the back of this receipt I had from WH Smiths for a girly mag Paul wanted. I thought that would arrest your attention. That’s the first one gone. I’ll drop the other two in when you least expect it, so listen for them.