Speech Ideas

Classic best man speech jokes

Displaying 11 to 20 of 109 classic best man speech jokes

  1. I've known the groom for a number of years. When people suggest I'm something of a big brother figure to Paul, I humbly disagree. I see myself as more of a father to him. After all, I've watched him suckle from a bottle, seen him stagger about naked, I've dressed and undressed him, and cleaned up after his mess. That was only this morning.

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    Displaying 1 of 131 examples »

    For those of you who don't know me, my name is Jason and I am the groom's brother. Now, I know some of you are thinking...they don't look like brothers - and believe me I have thought about this myself. And I have finally come to the conclusion...Paul, you were adopted. (pause) I know... bad timing, right?

  2. Good evening Friends and Family. I'm so happy to preside over the only 5 minutes that the Bride didn't plan.

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    Ladies and gentleman, in making his vows today Paul had a significant handicap at his wife’s insistence – he was sober.

  3. What a day! I am absolutely speechless, which some of you may be pleased to hear. I did actually hear of a terrible time that a friend of mine had as best man last summer – struggling to get to the church on time, with a complete drunk on his hands. And then having to prop him up all through the service, praying that the bride didn’t notice. You'd think a vicar would know better than that.

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    I would like to start by saying what a pleasure it is to welcome, on this very happy day, all relatives and friends of both families. The fact we have all travelled such long distances to be here is a testament to the kind of people Paul and Linda are. Demanding!

  4. I really was nervous about making a speech today, so I prepared a few lines and having hoovered them up in the toilet a moment ago, feel absolutely fine.

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    It’s always a nervous moment when the two families of a couple meet for the first time. But the parents of Paul and Linda have hit it off nicely, considering the circumstances.

  5. Seeing the happy couple walking down the aisle earlier today, I'm sure we all agree that the bride looked simply stunning. The groom, on the other hand, simply looked stunned.

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    When I saw Linda heading up the aisle with her father, I thought “At last she’s seen sense, and got herself a man with looks and money.”

  6. Ladies and gentlemen, there's no denying it, I'm a nervous wreck. This is the fifth time today I've got up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand!

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    Displaying 1 of 111 examples »

    Hello everybody, my name is Jason, and according to the groom I'm the most qualified person to do this job. So I'm guessing he wants me to down a yard of ale or eat 20 hot dogs in under a minute.

  7. I’ve been anxious about giving this speech for a while now. Fortunately last night I slept like a baby. Waking up every two hours and bawling my eyes out. Ten minutes ago, I had to ask a complete stranger to burp me.

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    Displaying 1 of 37 examples »

    Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I’ve been asked to say a few words because (Groom) was convinced that if I did, it would make his speech sound all the better.

  8. Ladies and Gentlemen, first things first, on behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank the Groom for his kind comments, they are indeed very well turned out. However I also want to warn him that that was the last time he will get away with complimenting other women in the presence of his wife.

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    Displaying 1 of 8 examples »

    I want to thank all of you for coming today, I must say that I’ve been overwhelmed at the size of the groom’s family. But despite what he said, I think you’re all alright!

  9. Hello everyone, my name is Jason and I'm the best man. I'm doing this speech because of the strength of the friendship between myself and Paul. And Paul has assured me that our friendship will continue, depending on the strength of this speech.

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    Displaying 1 of 32 examples »

    Paul and I may be the best of mates now but it hasn’t always been that way. Until he asked me to be his best man, I couldn’t stand the bloke.

  10. It's hard to imagine that 23 years ago, Linda was going to bed with a dummy. Don't you think, Paul?

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    Linda – today your parents haven’t lost a daughter – they’ve gained an unplanned son.

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