Best man speech 79

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. Before I begin, I have to say that the Bride looks absolutely smashing today. I'm sure you'll agree with me, gentlemen, that today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list. And ladies, I'm sure you'll agree that today's passing by without much of a ripple…

For those of you who don’t know me, my name’s Jason and I’m Paul’s Best Man. As my first best manly duty I would like to thank you all, on behalf of Paul and his new wife, for sharing in their special day today. For helping to eat, drink and dance through £15,000 worth of their hard earned cash, and ensuring they begin their married life in debt up to their eyeballs…

Now, as one or two of you here may know, being best man is no easy task. When Paul first offered me the job, I was deeply honoured, of course – but also more than a little apprehensive. Like most people, I’ve never been particularly keen on public speaking, but it seems to be genetically encoded in all men to choose the friend with the most socially unacceptable traits to get up here. Finally, someone appreciates me for who I am.

Then, having duly accepted the honour, I spent a long time wondering how to describe Paul – with the respect due to a man on his wedding day; how to strike the right tone of sincerity, praise and warmth. You see, Paul is a man who truly defies description. I could speak for an hour about him (don’t worry, I’m not going to) and when I’d finished we’d be no closer to grasping the essential essence of my very dear friend… And yet, miraculously, he can be very neatly summed up with a single, internationally recognised hand gesture.

But you need details! And fortunately I have known Paul for a very long time… We first met when we were kids and I can recall, with some embarrassment, that we didn’t exactly hit it off from the outset. It took some stern words from my mother for me to finally realise the error of my ways, and to stop stealing Paul’s stuff. The inhaler, the personal alarm, the crutch... I returned them all.

Despite this early upset, however, we became friends and I feel blessed to have more or less grown up with him and, I like to think, helped educate him along the way. The fact that Paul learned to swear and vandalise bus stops is testament to my early influence.

Over the years, Paul and I have experienced many trials and tribulations together. We’ve shared some of each other’s pains, and we’ve learned so much about life together by going through school and work at about the same time. I was thankful for Paul’s companionship then as much as I am now, because life hasn’t been easy.

Rejection is one of the most painful things to bear. Believe me, I know all about it. From the humiliation of being turned away by the local football team, to being barred by the local pub, to being laughed at by every girl on the college campus. Fortunately, Paul has been by my side throughout these experiences, and made me feel much better about myself for it. They were his experiences after all.

I’ve not only been Paul’s partner in crime and sidekick, however, I’ve also been his close confidante. Someone to whom he could tell almost anything. And I do mean anything. Which reminds me, those of you on the Bride’s side who are just getting to know him; here is some advice. Never let him date a member of your family.

But, I have to be absolutely truthful and tell you that Paul is exactly the kind of guy everyone would love to have as their friend. Or their son and yes, their son-in-law. Linda, you could not have married a finer man. A better drinker, sure! But not a finer man. And Linda’s family should feel only happiness at joining forces with Paul’s family. After all, this wedding has given me the opportunity to meet many of Paul’s relatives for the first time and, despite what he’s been saying, I think you’re all alright.

I could continue to pay tribute to Paul, to complement him further and list the many positive attributes that make him such a catch... but what’s the point? He does it so much better himself. I would be remiss though not to acknowledge his impeccable taste. Paul is renowned for his appreciation of quality, and he has certainly found a wife of true quality in Linda – both inside and out.

Linda has also been the mastermind behind today’s ceremony and, Linda, it’s been perfect! All your hard work has paid off, and I must say I feel privileged to have been involved. I would like to point out, however, that my contribution to today is not merely limited to this speech. I am personally responsible for the seating plan. The Bride and Groom just couldn’t agree on who should go where. So, being a responsible best man, I decided to step up and help resolve the issue. My solution was to work from the gift list – those who’d bought the most expensive presents would sit at the front and we’d work back from there. So if you can hear me on Table 45, a big thank you to Sarah and Mark for the tea towel.

Before I toast the happy couple and draw this to a close, I would like to wish the new Mr and Mrs Wilson the very best for their future journey together. And I hope, when they look back years from now on this, their wedding day, they realise it was the day that they loved each other the least.

Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding and raise your glasses to my very best friend and his beautiful new wife. To the Bride and Groom.