Classic best man speech jokes

Displaying 1 to 10 of 109 classic best man speech jokes

  1. When Paul asked me to be his best man, he told me that he expected me to make a traditional speech to the bride and groom. No problem, I thought. But he forgot to mention the ninety-five other people who'd be present, otherwise I wouldn't have agreed to do it.

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    Being asked to be the best man is about five minutes of glowing pride, followed by an eternity of panic and misery. Linda, I expect you had a similar experience when Paul asked you to be his wife.

  2. Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. I'll admit to you that I'm extremely nervous right now. As the people sitting near to me at the table can testify, it really is possible to smell fear.

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    You should have seen the preparation it took for me to get up here today. It was like a montage from The King’s Speech.

  3. It can be said that a bride’s attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up by three words associated with weddings: Aisle, altar, hymn.

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    I think I need to explain to some of the younger guests, just because the bride left the church with a different man to the one she arrived with, it doesn’t mean she changed her mind.

  4. I’ll get straight to the toasts. I don’t want to keep the happy couple any longer than I have to as I know they are itching to go upstairs and put their things together.

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    I’ll try to keep my speech short, because every extra minute I speak is an extra minute’s delay in witnessing how the Groom’s dance lessons worked out.

  5. I had an extremely difficult time cutting this speech down to a reasonable length. In fact at one point, it ran to over an hour and fifteen minutes. In the end, I've come up with a compromise. I'll read you the five-minute-long version. Straight after that, I'll do the unabridged one, and you can decide which you liked best.

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    I consider myself among Paul's very best friends, and I could write reams and reams about his great qualities. Unfortunately, I underestimated how long that writing lark takes, so instead I’ll be reading his LinkedIn profile word-for-word. Lucky for me he refers to himself in the third person throughout.

  6. My name is Jason and I'm the Best Man. It really is impossible to praise the Groom too highly – in fact, while writing this speech; I found it impossible to praise him at all.

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    Writing a speech about what makes your best buddy a good person is no mean feat. But then I realised I could just edit together some of the character references I’ve had to do for his numerous court appearances. So then, let me begin this afternoon by explaining how Paul has categorically learned his lesson when it comes to knife crime…

  7. People have often commented that myself and Paul are like siblings. I suppose I take on the role of an older brother. (Turns to groom) Would you agree with that, little sis?

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    People have commented that Paul and I are so close, we’re virtually inseparable. I think that’s going a bit far. We’ve come to an agreement with Linda that she can have him on weekends.

  8. Hello everyone, my name is Jason. I’m the chap that Paul asked to be his helper and right hand man over the preparatory months and concluding day of this wedding celebration. But he’s on his own tonight.

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    As the best man it is my privilege to make the final speech. If making a fool of yourself and your best friend in front of tons of other people is a privilege, then my whole life I should have known how lucky I am.

  9. Organizing the seating at a wedding reception can be a tricky business, prone to get political. As best man, I offered to step in and help Paul and Linda. My idea was to use the wedding present list, and put those who bought the biggest items nearest the front, and work it to the back, the smaller the gift. Whoever bought the toast rack won't be able to hear this, as they're out in the car park.

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    The newlyweds have asked me to thank you for all the wonderful gifts. They can’t tell you how much they mean to them, but they should have a better idea once Paul has checked the eBay bids.

  10. Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. I apologise in advance for not being a public speaker. If you see me looking down at this piece of paper again and again, it's not actually my notes, it's a picture of the massive drink I'm going to have as soon as this is over.

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    Wedding toast protocol requires the best man to deliver a sober, clean and entertaining speech – and I sincerely hope that no one here is going to judge me against those unreasonable standards.

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