Opening lines

Paul, I know that unlike me, you won’t miss being a single man. In fact, tonight will be the first time I’ve ever seen you go home with a woman.

Now you're married and I'm single, our lives will become very different. You'll wonder which side of the bed to sleep, I'll wonder whose bed to sleep in. You'll ask what's this weird thing in the fridge, I'll wonder the same about that rash on my thighs. You'll be wondering how you'll ever escape being tied down, and I… I'll also be doing that. Thank you, Fifty Shades.

I am jealous of Eric having a woman to go home to every night. The only way I achieve that is through illegal means; kidnapping, hire an escort, or break into old Mrs Robinson's and kip next door.